I haven’t been able to commit to consistency.
I am the queen of positivity when I am feeling hopeful, optimistic and motivated. When life comes at me to teach me lessons – that’s when I crumble. The lessons vary too – could be a hard day at work, could be an argument with my mom, sister or boyfriend….could be ANYTHING and I make it the PERFECT reason why I should have that ice cream or any other delicious food I use for emotional support. I acknowledge the cycle, I know I use it to my “advantage” so I can get what I want and what I crave. The worst feeling, is as I’m consuming the deliciousness I start to feel a little bit of guilt but my inner voice (the self-destructive one) whispers sweet nothings to me “girl you deserve it, you seriously had the worst day…your life is so hard, dooooo it.” After I’m done eating the deliciousness, OH MAN – the feeling of remorse is overwhelming and I start to feel REALLY guilty. That same inner voice that was cheering me on a few minutes ago is now calling me some nasty names. Ultimately I’ve come to realize she’s a lying bitch. How did I fall so deeply in her trap? What the fuck is her name so I can call her out next time? She kinda sounds like a Petra…(said in English or Spanish I still get the same feeling lol) Today I want to try harder at ignoring me, today I want to really focus on letting my other inner voice (the strong badass bitch – no name yet) have an opportunity to be as loud as she wants to (this last sentence sounds like a verse in the Petey Pablo song…”so she can yell, as loud as she want to….” lol omg). She is the one that will encourage me to actually embrace consistency, to embrace the suck in life and to not let bull shit reasons be why I self-destruct.
I think I’m going to call her Marisol….yeah…that’s my strong badass bitch inner voice’s name. She’s me, I’ve just lost her but I’m about to find you hoonnnaaayyy.
And per usual….
Marisol says it all. XO.