I wrote this in January of this year and gguurrrlll did I need to randomly go on wordpress, click drafts, and read it. January Marisol had NO FUCKING clue what 2020 had in store. Things that are certainly out of my control and all of ours really. I re-read it and it makes more sense NOW than in January so I find it to be obvious why January Marisol didn’t publish this and July Marisol found it and will publish it. Quarantine has had many ups and downs and coming from a place of gratitude today I find comfort in knowing how fucking blessed I am to be in the circumstance that I am in, even IF I’m going stir crazy at home sometimes. I have no idea what the future holds and I’m not forcing myself to think about it because my anxiety will win and I don’t want to feed it anymore. Will I get Covid? Perhaps. Can I absolutely know I will get Covid. No. Therefor I refuse to put any energy (note I don’t always align with that and do get fearful but then I talk myself through the emotion and feel better).
Anywho…Please listen to January Marisol – she knew exactly what needed to be said!
Marisol Says It All
ORIGINAL POST JANUARY 2020:
It’s 2020 friends! Congratulations we have survived another year.
I don’t know what 2019 meant for you. Not sure if it was a year of thriving, a year of success, a year of challenges, a year of growth, a year of closing chapters, year of battling silent battles, the year of creating boundaries, the year of realizing you needed to create boundaries, whatever it was…it’s in the fucking past now and it had to happen exactly like it did to get you ready for the years to come. I encourage you to avoid those sneaky thoughts of “ugh I needed to get X, Y & Z done’ or “I wish this would have gone different” or “I should have been better at _______”.
Friend this is pure truth right here, ready?
If you needed to get X, Y and Z done – it would have happened! If something should have gone differently – yup you know what I’m about to say – it would have actually gone different! And if you would have been better at _(blank)__ then you would have been better at blank! I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m yelling, I’m ecstatic that I was able to decode this top secret thought process (Thanks Therapy & Thanks Podcasts). You see – the way I decoded it is because I have let myself live in a place of shame and guilt for at least 30 something years. I’ve given validity to thoughts that really did not serve me in any capacity, on the contrary they fueled unrealistic fear and anxiety becoming a struggle every damn day. So my simple thought process to be able to grasp this concept was: “Ok girl…you don’t control nor can change what happened in the past, let it go, live in peace with it and focus on today and tomorrow”
Living with shame and guilt was part of life in my eyes. One day in therapy (and I’m sure I’ve said this a million times) my therapist said “you know living in guilt is a choice right?” Ummm excuse me? She told this to a 32 year old (at the time), Mexican woman raised Catholic…guilt ran in my blood ma’am, it was in my DNA. She later explained – we have control. We take ownership of the past knowing that it can’t be changed and it’s our choice to leave it there and focus on what IS in my hands…the present!! The future isn’t in my hands either, apparently that bitch is not in my control because it’s not for certain I’ll even have a future. What’s in my hands is the present. The right now, the today. I think of my past with grace because yes I made stupid choices, I made a shit show of my life in many areas, I was given advice I didn’t listen to. I know what you’re thinking: “how can the past be in the past if some of the shit you’ve done comes back to bites you in the ass now in your present?” Ahhh my loves – that’s what I call ripple effects. Hence why I give my past or my “past me” some grace because some things FOR SURE have a big ass ripple effect and come in like a wrecking ball in your present. Here is the trick – face it!! Like a mother fucking G- ….Face it. Take ownership of it and be the boss bitch you know you are. Will it be annoying to handle? Will it be difficult to face? Will you have to shine light on something you wanted to erase for forget? Yeah, probably all of it at the same damn time.
If it you categorize 2019 as positive, pretty cool or good: keep that energy alive baby and make 2020 even better.
Was 2019 kind of a bitch, a horror movie, evil? well guess what? you survived it, you didn’t let it defeat you (even if it feels that way) and it’s a new year, a new decade for some (huge debate on if this a new decade or not for all of us nerds). I won’t be dismissive and tell you “everything happened for a reason” because sometimes that shit isn’t enough. Obviously everything happens for a reason, to teach us a lesson, help us grow but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck and it took a lot of energy to move forward. I get it friend!